I’ve known for a while that I have hyperfixation phases and then an interest falls off, only to be picked back up again in the future. Recently though as I’ve been looking at my garden, it’s occurred to me that not all of my interests can be put on ice like that.

The garden, for example, continues growing and needing at least some intervention by me in order to not wither away. My current fight with it is that spider mites and caterpillars are everywhere eating everything. It’s been rather dispiriting actually.

After two months of intense joy and interest, the excitement has faded and I don’t often think about working on the garden. I still spray neem oil because the consumed plants make me sad and I feel guilty for abandoning them so easily.

the goldfinches

But then there are moments like today, when I spotted a couple of American goldfinches in my garden. Their bright yellow plumage matched so nicely to the coreopsis they were sitting on. I suddenly felt that joy again about the garden.

Not in the sense that I am going to launch myself into making big changes like I was doing in May and June. It was more of a forgiveness of myself that it is ok that my endeavors have messy middles.

look, it’s fine actually, chill out

I am incredibly hard on myself. I am harder on myself than I am on anyone else. But in seeing those birds enjoying my messy but wild and lovely garden, reminded me that all the things I do are worthwhile. As Hank Green mentioned in a video of his that I watched recently: “No effort is wasted.”

I did not waste my time and money on my garden. I have flowers, I may have a bell pepper, and maybe a couple of blackberries on the way! I have made a handful of bouquets that have brightened our home. I have made art, I have made bracelets, I have made decorations.

It’s ok. None of these things were a waste of time.

the capitalism of it all

My anxieties about being unemployed at the moment are coloring my worldview. I have no doubt about this. All of my money-making efforts are in the messy middle right now too. Too far along to still be shiny, new, and exciting. Not far enough along to actually be making any money. It’s the worst of both worlds!

So what’s a small human on this glorious earth to do?

Well, for now I continue to chase my interests. I just need to take copious notes on my progress so that I know where I paused when I come back to something.

And for some things, I just need to push through the messy middle without judgement. It’s ok. I’m ok.

I got this.